Tuesday, March 11, 2008

So far, so good!

Okay, I agree, enough has been written about my wedding and elements thereof, but before I  take the plunge, here is a last batch of words that at least some of you could still find use for.

Wedding planning—A crash course

Disclaimer: Contents inflammable. References to people dead/alive/yet to be born is not absolutely unintentional.

It is actually difficult to figure out where to begin, assuming you have figured out who you want to marry. For me what always works is beginning by elimination. Which means making a list of all the things you don’t want.

Here were mine:

1) No asking for advice unless you absolutely value the other person’s opinion and are likely to listen to what they have to say (parent’s, in-laws, out-laws included)

2) No losing control of the wedding invite. It not only ensures you can smile at the people who show up (because you know them), but is a keepsake you want to feel happy about and not embarrassed by. Note: Littering the recipient’s doorway with glitter should not be your single minded objective.

3) No succumbing to sitting on father’s lap and being given away (pundit, are you listening?)

4) No sitting on throne and asking people to queue up to wish you. I know this is the norm, but first, I find the thrones hideous (however elegant the decorator may claim them to be) and two, I hate queues—they feel like punishment, and there definitely wont be one at my wedding

5) No inviting pesky relatives, worse, relatives’ relatives just because they can stake claim to the family tree (I know I am repeating myself, but you must say this aloud to yourself a thousand times, if you want to have fun at your wedding)

6) No inviting ‘maybes’. If you are not sure whether a person is a well-wisher, may be he/she is not.

7) No straightening of hair for the big day. A friend who is a self-imposed advice giver told me, “Deepak has never seen you with straight hair. Get it done, believe me!” Yes, but he has never seen me 6 feet tall or with a 36 D” bust either.

8) No feeling sheepish when people ask you if you’d like cash or gifts. Say ‘cash’ with all abandon, unless you are absolutely sure you trust their taste in gifts. Else you will be stuck with hideous jewellery, sarees, tea sets, wall-pieces, crockery, cake-mixers, and worse, clocks!

9) No forgetting that it is ‘your’ wedding.

10) No wearing clothes/makeup that make you wonder ‘who’s that girl?’ when you see your photos ten years later. No judging clothes/jewellery by how much they weigh, even if others do.

11) No fearing that you will be under-dressed than your guests. It’s your wedding, they will have to look at you, they have no choice.

12) No stopping being yourself and acquiring coyness. If it comes naturally, keep it— might be cute. If it doesn’t, who cares? I am like this only.

Tuesday, March 4, 2008

The day after

It's not what you're thinking. I am talking of the ‘day after the bunk’ looks that men and women commonly adopt, not realising that everyone knows. A man does with a stubble (if he lacks one usually), a woman does with eye make-up, actually, the lack of it. Why do they do it? Beats me. May be they feel it authenticates their case, in case they are faking it. And many times they are…

Even though casual leaves are meant to be taken ‘casually’ and ‘sick leave” is for being sick, I am always foxed by the bunking gems that I encounter time and again. Here are a few bunk gems that I have encountered in recent times:

“I don’t think I am feeling too well, so I’ll take it easy today..”

I don’t really know what that means, but I never feel ‘too well’ to show up at work.

But the boss and I both believe that when you have a job, you show up. Life is always better at home—watching mindless TV or those DVDs you have stacked up, cooking, listening to jazz, reading, cuddling your cats or taking your dog for a walk, but until we find someone to pay our bills, or know that we have finally got our nest egg in place, that ain’t happening.

“ I am down with a throat infection and I will not be able to come today.”

There is a technical problem with this, because, when you have a throat infection, you are mostly ‘up’ not ‘down’. You are up gargling, drinking hot tea, water, or any beverage that makes you feel good.

“Hi, I seem to have a neck ache. So may not be able to make it.”

The word ‘seem’ is what I have a problem with. Either you have an ache or you don’t. Also men with neck-aches are so not cool. Also, exactly what will not be able to make it? You or your neck?

"My train didn’t stop at Mahim, but went to Bombay Central instead…"

Okay we know you are not from Bombay, but do you have to make it so obvious?

“I got my period on the way to work, so I had to go back home”

There is something called contingency plan. And ‘knowing your dates’.

“I think I have food poisoning. May be it was the ostrich I ate last night.”

People who are prone to food poisoning have no business eating ostrich. Or anything for that matter.

“My gas ran out as I was cooking…”

Now that could be a real problem. After all, who can eat a half-cooked rajma? But may be your office doesn’t have a microwave, unlike ours. Lucky us!

“ I was getting on the bus and it will not move…”

Dear BEST loyalist. How about plan B?

“My electricity has got cut off because I didn’t pay my bill. Have to go and get it back”

Have you heard of Bill pay? Or the ten-rupee errand boy?

“My train has just encountered a buffalo…”

Nice one.

“My eye refuses to open…”

Wow! Perfectly plausible, except for the fact that when that happens, you can’t show up bright eyed, and kohl-lined the next day.

"I have to rush for a family emergency”

So far so good. But when you call up three days later in a badly faked voice to say that the emergency hasn’t ended, it makes it curiouser and curiouser. I am imagining you waiting for an aging relative to sign his will and leave you a legacy.

May be I should listen to the able Moorthy, our sanity check who tells me of people in general, “Have leave, will take”